Bubble Tea

A few years ago, walking through China Town on a very hot summer day, I encountered bubble tea for the first time.  I’d never heard of it before and I’m not really a tea drinker so I was hesitant to give it a try.  Fortunately for me, it was cold and I was parched, so I decided to be a little bit brave and ordered a small vanilla bubble tea.  What was I tasting?  Delicious! Heaven! Nectar of the gods!!  I’m not ashamed to admit that I sent Brian back to buy us a second cup a few minutes later.  It’s just that good.

Here is a portion of the Wikipedia entry concerning Bubble Tea:
“Bubble tea, also called “Boba” tea, is a tea beverage containing gelatinous tapioca pearls. It originated in Taiwan in the 1980s, spread to nearby East Asian countries, and migrated to Canada before spreading to Chinatown in New York, then to various spots throughout the West Coast of the United States. The literal translation from Chinese is pearl milk tea (traditional Chinese: 珍珠奶茶; Tongyong Pinyin: jhenjhu nǎichá; Hanyu Pinyin: zhēnzhū nǎichá). The word “bubble” refers to “bubbling”, the process by which certain types of bubble tea are made, and not the actual tapioca balls. The balls are often called “pearls.” Drinks with large pearls are consumed along with the beverage through wide straws; while drinks with small pearls are consumed through normal straws. Bubble tea is especially popular in many East Asian and Southeast Asian regions such as Taiwan, Mainland China, Hong Kong, Macau, Brunei, Malaysia, Japan, the Philippines, Singapore, South Korea, Thailand, Indonesia, and Vietnam.”

I was recently delighted to learn that Bubble Tea has a huge following in Thailand!  There are great Bubble Tea shops and street carts (like the one shown above) popping up all over Bangkok, Chiang Rai, Chiang Mai, Phuket, and other cities.  In the final concession of wild popularity, it even has it’s own piece of “flair” under the Thailand section on Facebook.   🙂

But here’s the really great news: If you don’t live in the sort of place where you can just pop over to your local China Town or your neighborhood tea shop then you can order bubble tea supplies online and make it yourself!  Check out bubbleteasupply or any other online provider. We are definitely investing in one of these setups right away because #1 – I crave it constantly and #2 – We are moving away from NYC and I doubt they have any bubble tea carts where we’re going.

I would highly recommend giving it a chance though. It’s a great sweet treat. Kids can easily help make it.  It comes in a variety of flavors (chocolate and coconut are my favorites) so there is something for everyone. Most importantly, it’s a fun way to connect with the “modern and everyday Thai culture” and not just that important ancient heritage we’ve all worked so hard to learn about.

 – Rosemary

Distractions

Recently I’ve heard from at least three of my fellow pre-adoptive blogger moms that the waiting has them down right now. That’s very understandable! It’s a long and arduous process with a lot of ups and downs. I go through periods of great sadness and frustration myself. Fortunately, I’m feeling ok lately. Anyway, I thought I would share my “Top Ten” non-adoption related distractions for when I’m feeling blue. How about you guys? What are your favorite ways to kill time and raise your spirits?

– Rosemary

Overheard in New York – As a pedestrian city, which relies on mass transit, it is a constant reality that we will overhear perfect strangers saying the most hilarious and/or awful things. This is where we all share them with each other and laugh at the morons who are definitely not us or are friends.
Pioneer Woman – One of my favorite blogs about a very real family. I admire this mom of four for not constantly trying to make her children appear perfect. I cannot stand the mommy-competition that appears to have taken over gymboree classes and play dates. This lady just calls it like it is. Some days her kids are brats and she loves them anyway!
Wide Open Spaces – A fantastic design and life blog written by a fellow pre-adoptive mom in need of distraction!
Wow-O-Wow – A really interesting compilation website with political, humor, culture, opinion and fashion blogs written by ladies such as: Lilly Tomlin, Whoopi Goldberg, Peggy Noonan, Marlo Thomas, Jane Wagner and Candace Bergen.
Scary Duck – A british blog posting hilarious opinions, weird youtube stuff, and funny rumors about celebrities. Plus, it’s just fun to read all that yummy British vocabulary.
The Sartorialist – A photography site dedicated to fantastic fashion seen on real people out on the very real streets. It makes me feel inspired and ashamed all at the same time.
Eat Local Challenge – One of my favorite locavore websites boasting tips, hints, clues, and outright directions about how to eat with joy and live with more accountability to our planet.
The Muffin – A blog about writing, fresh baked daily!
Simply Recipes – I love this cooking blog. She always shows great pictures and embraces every type of homemade food!
Cracked – Nothing but fun silly stuff to make you laugh.

Why Culture?

On this last trip to Thailand, the interplay between birth-culture and adoption was in the forefront of my mind.  The idea of “first language loss” played in my heart constantly as I listened to Thai being spoken all around me.  Again, I was blessed to be able to view an interesting phenomenon at our girl’s home.  All of the kids at our home are of the Akha tribal group.  The Akha, and all the other Hilltribes, are a minority group inside Thailand. For many of us farongs it can be hard to tell the difference between a Thai person and a tribal person but rest assured that they all know the difference.  One of my favorite quotes is by John Irving where he says, “Every society has it’s own hierarchy.” As Americans we focus a lot on the racism in our own culture and, of course, it’s appropriate for us to do so. But every country has racism. Even in a country like Thailand, where on the surface it might appear that almost everyone is Asian.   Yes, but what kind of Asian?  And so the hierarchy begins and the evils of racism/classicm persist.

The Hilltribe people of Thailand: Akha, Karen, Hmong, Lahu, Lisu, Mien, etc. have a long and interesting history that has been fraught with difficulty. There are a lot of social justice programs out there now that are working to help these people groups get back on their feet. The real trick though is how to help them find an education, jobs and fulfillment without raping the culture. A lot of people would love to believe that the problem only exists externally.  That EVIL WHITES have come in and sold these innocent folks an empty bill of goods. Sadly, it’s not that simple if it were then it would be simple to fix. The reality is that the Hilltribe people are no better than any of us.  They want their children’s lives to be different than their own.  They have lived in almost pre-historic poverty for centuries, ravaged by drugs, domestic violence, a complete lack of human rights for women and children and no medical care. Within the last 50 years they have seen the widespread advent of all of these concepts in their region. These are not a selfish, grasping people desperate for microwaves and plastics. Many of the people we work with come down out of the village and leave their tribal lifestyle behind to work a city job so their daughters won’t be sold away.  

So the question remains, “In the face of so many rapid changes how can we, the people working to support this culture, help them face new challenges and maintain a connection with the old ways?” Let me explain how we are attempting to do it at our girl’s home.

Almost all of our staff are Akha. Our girls are all taught akha dances, the Akha language, given full Akha ceremonial costumes and we prepare both Akha and Thai food. It is important to us that we make them feel good about who they are. In a world full of racism, (and in Thailand being a tribal person is not considered a good thing by the wider majority) we help them celebrate who they are. After all, if they don’t feel good about who they are at home, then how can they feel good about who they are when they’re not at home? We also want to make sure they are all capable of furthering what is proud about their Akha heritage. These things must not be lost. So many of the tribal cultures, from every continent all around the world, are losing their young people and their traditions every day.
I watched our girls proudly perform an Akha dance during our Christmas celebration. I heard them singing in Akha all over campus. I watched them getting dressed in their Akha ceremonial outfits. I heard them tell each other, “You look beautiful!” At some point in their lives, they will all face racism for being a tribal woman.  This is a hard fact of Thai culture. But it is getting better every day and we are raising strong, independent, women who feel good about who they are.

How are we doing it?  Through language, food, culture, role models and honest discussions about race. So I remind myself once again, “If it’s important at a group home then how much more important is it in my home?” Brian and I have always intended to focus a great deal of effort on these things in raising our children but I return from Thailand with renewed zeal for the culture and language of our children, which will become the culture and language of our family.

– Rosemary

Moving!

So I took a little mini-break from blogging this past week to try to get my life back in order.  I just couldn’t catch up.  Even before the holidays hit we were having a lot of work stress.  Then Christmas, followed by a trip to Thailand and some rather unexpected upheavals at the company and long story short – I still hadn’t gotten my suitcase off the guestroom floor.  Sound familiar?

Some days it seems like our life is passing by at a snail’s pace. Especially anything having to do with this adoption.  It all seems to move so slow I can practically feel my hair growing.  Then on other days, I put my head up, take a look around and think, “What’s going on?  Where am I?  When is it?”  and I’m simply amazed to realize that months have flown by and we’ve actually, by some miracle, moved up the list.  
Today I looked at my calendar and saw:  Jan. 30, 2009.  That means the entire first month of 2009 has already disappeared!  I have projects, deadlines and goals bearing down on me and I need to be getting a move on.  STRESS!!  The main thing I freaked out about today though is that it is only a few short months until we move.  Which means, for my Type A personality, it’s time to start sorting, organizing, labeling, and packing.  Yes, I’m a little bit excited about the prospect, because us boring, Type A personalities live for organizational projects, but I’m also feeling daunted.  The thing I’m the most overwhelmed about is loosing our adoption network.
We’ve really developed an entire world of adoption/diversity resources here in NYC.  As you guys know, it takes time to find those communities, programs and people.  Most important of all are the people!  So this is a special request going out to everyone who reads this blog (Yes – that includes all our friendly lurkers) who can make recommendations about getting hooked into the adoption and Asian-American communities of Virginia.  We are looking for any type of information/support about:  adoptive families, interracial families, the Thai Community, Asian American Adoptees, and mothers groups for adoptive families of the Virginia area.  
So if you have any information or suggestions to share about life in Virginia, or if you’re a fellow family-adopting-from-Thailand in the region, please leave us a comment!  If you would rather, feel free to email us at: becomingafamily@gmail.com 
– Rosemary

The Mantra

Well as you can all tell from my last post.  Life has had me a little crazy lately.  But I am trying to pull myself together.  I had a two day conference to attend all weekend but that’s done now. Since Bri was at the hospital on call when I got home last night I just gave myself the evening off.  I laid on the couch, ate Thai food and watched a DVR episode of Private Practice.  Tay Diggs is my guilty pleasure!!

But this morning I’m feeling a little overwhelmed again with everything I need to do.  So I am reminded of the absolutely best Christmas present I got this year!  If you know me, or someone with my personality, then you will understand this immediately.  I’m a worrier, stress out about everything, insomniac, Type A personality who really needs calming people and places.  This is why my husband is my perfect person.  He is the most soothing man on earth.  Anyway, I digress – back to my Christmas present.  I received a lovely copy of this World War II British inspirational poster:

 This has become my new adoption/moving/working/life mantra. Plus, I absolutely love the design!  You can find them at Blue Ribbon General Store if you’re interested.
– Rosemary

Ethica

We have enjoyed the services and research of Ethica: an Independent Voice  for Ethical Adoption for a while now.  We truly believe in the work that this organization is doing.  They are a pro-adoption group who believe that adoption can change the life of children.  However, they also understand that without reforms adoption may cease to be an option for children in the United States and the world over.  
The following is excerpted from Ethica’s website:
“It is our belief that the term “ethical adoption services” pertains to more than just the actual act of adopting a child.  For services to be truly ethical, they must involve family preservation efforts,  birth family counseling and advocacy, adequate pre-adoption training for adoptive parents, ethical placement practices, post adoption services which include disruption assistance and the fulfillment of lifelong responsibilities to adoptees and their families.”
Ethica has done great work on the Hague Convention, open records for adult adoptees, and safe haven laws.  They also offer a subscription service to receive breaking adoption news from around the world that affect the adoptive communities we have all come to care so much about. They also host a fantastic opportunity, called Ethica 50, to get involved in your own area.
For us the most important reason for supporting Ethica, and other advocacy organizations, is our kids.  We want to make sure our kids see and know, not just hear, that we were more interested in the proper care of children and families that needed help than we were in being parents.  They are going to have enough questions without needing to worry about our motives. So if you’re also an Ethica supporter then keep spreading the word and if you haven’t checked them out yet give them a moment of your time.  An ethically conducted adoption is the only adoption worth considering!  
 – Brian and Rosemary

Are You Kidding Me?

Everyone else is talking about this so I might as well too.  It goes without saying that I am disgusted and horrified by the above photo of pop-sensation, Miley Cyrus, openly mocking not only the Asian guy sitting right next to her but Asians everywhere.  What is even more disturbing though is that her “camp” has not yet responded to the myriad complaints of racism.  It’s as if Miley, her parents, her P.R. reps and her fans are all trying to think about it and decide: “Ummmm,  is this really racist?” Of course, like everyone else, I want a public apology and major groveling from this spoiled brat but mostly I want to take the opportunity to think about this.
Who is that poor kid sitting next to her?  Why did he feel he needed to be a part of this social moment?  I hope to God that our kids have  the confidence and self-respect to walk away from peers who would treat them this way.  I want to raise children who feel comfortable in their own skin and know that they have a right to both personal and racial respect.  However, I also want to tell my kids that I understand how hard it is to stand up for something of value.
A couple of years ago I was at a bridal shower.  The most civilized of venues, right?  Wrong.  I was shocked, absolutely shocked, when the girl across the table from me started using offensive and discriminatory language.  I immediately spoke up and said, “Excuse me but you are describing some of my closest friends.”  Well, the amazing thing was that even though I knew most of the people at the table agreed with me several ladies said to me later, “You made a really big deal out of that.” or “You embarrassed her.”  I was made to feel awkward for standing up for basic human decency.  To each of them I said, “No, she embarrassed herself and I regret not making a bigger deal out of it.”  I was 27 years old when that happened, among many close friends and experiencing the comfort of being in the racial majority.  I still felt the subterranean push to simply keep my mouth shut.  How much more difficult must it be for teenagers, perhaps in a racial minority, who have their social standing on the line? 
How to be realistic about the discrimination and racism that kids, teenagers and adults face without assuming an attitude of futility?  I don’t have the answer for that.  I just know that we must speak up and demand better when we encounter the kind of behavior Ms. Cyrus exhibited.  I know we have to model anti-racist behavior for our kids so they can feel comfortable asking for anti-racist behavior from those around them.  I know we should be talking about race and culture instead of assuming that not talking about it is polite.  I know we should be brave even when it’s scary.

 – Rosemary

Blogs, Blogs, Blogs


As many of you know, I am a blog addict.  Especially adoption blogs.  Of course, like pre-adoptive parents everywhere, I love to read the sweet “bringing baby home” blogs that give off that great endorphin high.  But I’ve also developed a real penchant for the darker stories.  The true tales from biological families and adult adoptees who have something to say about their lives.  Before you quit reading or write this off by saying, “Well Rosemary must be made of sterner stuff than I.  Those stories are just too difficult for me.”  Please, let me finish.  It was not always this way!  When Bri and I first started our adoption research we were wide eyed and bushy-tailed like everybody else. Full of optimism and convinced that adoption was nothing more or less than a thing of beauty.

However, we are both deeply analytical people and before long we started to fiddle with that emotional Rubik’s Cube.  After a couple of twists nothing matched up anymore.  Then we almost decided not to adopt.  I no longer wanted cute little stories about bringing home baby.  I wanted someone to tell me about the other side because this is one of the unarguable truths of life: every view has an opposite horizon.  That’s when I found Third Moms Blogroll and she introduced me to a lot of intelligent people who were all writing about their side of the Rubik’s Cube.  I immersed myself in anti-adoption blogs, forgotten first mothers, baby-scoop-era botched adoptions, and the frustrated, adult-adoptees of transracial families gone awry. 
There were times when I sat in front of the computer and cried for hours.  There were days when Brian came home from work, closed my laptop and said, “That’s enough.”  Our adoption decision remained on ice as we worked our way through a lot of new information.  It was not information that had been packaged by a social worker for “adoptive parent training”.  It was raw, unfettered and not really meant for our consumption.  Blogs, unless otherwise stated, are simply writing exercises for the purpose of helping the person writing to feel better.  Nothing is creepier to me than adoptive parents who go on blogs, where people who have a personal experience with adoption are discussing their own reality, and then try to argue with them about the life that is theirs to own.  Isn’t that the definition of truth silencing? But I did read and learn and allow myself to be changed.  Sometimes I argued with the screen. Sometimes I let go of my own silly, little dreams of how my family would act or look. Sometimes I nodded my head in vehement agreement and then read aloud to Brian or the dog.
  
Four months later we decided to go ahead with adoption.  Everything had changed though: our adoption plans, our parenting plans, our vocabulary, our social and political opinions, and most of all our hearts and minds for the experience of adoption – as it feels for our children the people being adopted – had changed.
If you are also a PAP and you haven’t yet really waded into the pool of “the other side” please consider respectfully learning from them.  They have so much to teach us about what our children and their first families may feel in the course of the adoptions we are all equally involved in.  There is so much to be learned about how we can create the best families possible. We all know that there is no manual for parenting but adoptee blogs have become my CliffsNotes.  What is the good in having someone tell us comfortable lies while we starve to death?  I would much rather hear unpleasant truths that will feed my family.

So this is a THANK YOU to all the brave first families, adult adoptees and outspoken adoptive parents who have gone ahead and now share their stories with all of us!  Thank you for giving us a fighting chance at being more understanding parents.  Thank you for scaring us to death and then reminding us that it’s worth it.
 – Rosemary

Oriental Princess


Jet lag really hit me hard this time. I guess that’s a sign of getting older. When I first started going back and forth from Thailand I was 21 and just bounced back like rubber as soon as I got off the plane. We’ve had a busy work and personal week as well so that has slowed me down quite a bit too. I’ve also managed to loose our USB cable so I can’t share any of my fun pictures from the trip until the new one arrives.

For a while I couldn’t even think of a place to start talking about 2 weeks in Thailand. I’m sure you can all understand when I say, “There’s just too much to say.” However, I’m going to try to remember everything and describe it as best I can. One of the most interesting little moments from this trip occurred on the last day we were in Bangkok. I was out shopping on my own and I finally found an “Oriental Princess” store! For those of you who have never heard of this brand, it may quite possibly be the world’s best skin care and makeup. It is a Thai owned and operated company, which produces all natural products from locally grown herbs and vegetation. As far as I know there aren’t any stores outside of Thailand. However, I think it may now be possible to order it on the website. I’m not sure about that yet so don’t hold me to it.

Their website is a fun find though especially if you’re into girly-girl stuff. They even have an English setting which makes it easily navigable. The small differences really make it a cultural delight. They have a seasonal makeup package but the seasons are: “Rain, Winter, Summer”. All of the models are truly gorgeous Thai women which will make you think “What convent can I pre-enroll my daughter in?”. Since it’s a cosmetics company the women are, of course, wearing the most up-to-the-moment hair, clothes, and make-up trends in Thailand so that’s kind of fun to check out. They also have a section where you can watch a bunch of their television advertisements. Again, I just think it’s a kind of cool way to get a glimpse inside Thai culture, trends and feminism and femininity.

Here’s the real point of my story though. I was wandering around the lovely, air conditioned, mint green store searching for my favorite moisturizer and I suddenly thought, “How come I never buy cosmetics here?” Despite the fact that they have a wide variety of colors and I have loved each of my purchases, all I have ever purchased are skin care products. I started to really think about the oddness of that as I looked at the delicious smelling body sprays. I am a fairly confident person and, due to having spent so much time overseas, I’m also pretty familiar with the experience of being a minority. However, I don’t think I have ever been aware, as a consumer, of experiencing marketing for “the other” before.

Every picture in the store was of a beautiful asian woman wearing vibrant colors on her healthy, glowing skin. Meanwhile, I am a slightly chubby, PALE, white girl. All of the other customers were Thai women and the employees, who were modeling Oriental Products, were all Asian as well. Subconsciously, I had decided that this makeup was not right for me. That my face could not really reflect the look of the faces I saw in the ads around me. I toyed with the lipgloss display and allowed myself to feel grateful. Grateful that I had been given this chance to understand, on some small level, how my children may one day feel watching commercials full of white people and attending a predominantly white school. How my daughter might feel buying L’oreal from all white spokemodels. How my son may feel eating Wheaties with a parade of never-ever Asian guys on the box.

I bought skin care, lipstick and eyeshadow. The girl behind the counter said, “This color very beautiful on you.” I thanked her profusely. My purchases came with cute little booklets detailing their product line and showing more beautiful Asian models. I will keep buying “Oriental Princess” as long as I can. I want to make sure my kids know that not all products are marketed to white people, nor should they be. I will be more vigilant in searching for reflections of my children’s race instead of mine.

– Rosemary

The difference in me

I mentioned in a previous blog that this was my first trip back to Thailand since we started our adoption process and I was curious to see how our impending parenthood would affect my experiences. Well, everything was different. Thailand was the same – the difference was in me. Much of it is just too overwhelming (and boring) to re-create in a blog but some of it I am going to try to share because I think it’s important. Trust me when I say, “It’s really the tip of the iceberg.”

The first thing I noticed (and I noticed it right away) was that all my defenses were completely down. I was the Starship Enterprise with a broken forcefield. When we first arrived in Bangkok I went out on the street to walk around in the sunlight for a while and try to let my body clock understand it was now daytime. I saw a beautiful little girl, maybe age 4, sitting alone on the sidewalk, begging. Now I knew that someone (a parent, or a more nefarious character) was watching from a nearby spot. Like many kids, the child’s job was to beg because children and disabled people bring in more money than healthy adults. I dropped a few coins in her cup and walked on. I turned and looked back. She seemed so hot and tired. I couldn’t stop wondering if she ever got to play. What was her life like? How could I help her? Was there a quota and if she made enough would they let her quit for the day? Or if I put a lot of money in her cup would they think she was a valuable asset and make her stay longer? I couldn’t figure out what to do for her. Finally, I went and bought some noodles from a street vendor and took them to her. She just stared at me and then started eating like a starving wolf. I was so afraid someone would come along and take it from her that I stood there watching over her until she finished. I understand that buying food for little kids on the street is half crazy. I know that this one act doesn’t solve any social problems or change anything for that girl’s life. I get it. But I don’t know where my child or his other mother is and every suffering person seemed like family.

– Rosemary

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