Six Months!


This weekend is our six month-a-versary of being on the list. On September 28th, 2008 Holt received our dossier and we officially went on the list at number 29. Of course we started this process 15 months ago but I’m not even going to let myself think about everything that went wrong with our homestudy. So anyway, we’re going to celebrate a little because six months is a big deal!!

I really can’t believe we made it this far. I remember mailing that package and thinking “It’s happening”! I was so excited to finally really be waiting but at the same time I couldn’t believe how much further we had to go. Now we’ve survived 6 months of it and sometimes it seems as though it flew by and other days I’m amazed the house is still standing and we’re both still alive. For those of you not surviving an adoption, yes, it’s been a bit stressful.
So for everyone who just started the process: As impossible as it seems, time will eventually pass.
And for everyone ahead of us: Let’s get those late-late-late March referrals in and find out how much we’ve all moved up this line!
May the next six months bring each and every one of us closer to our children,
– Rosemary

Blackout


We all hit bumps in the road – no matter where we are going – and I appear to have hit mine. This blog is going dark for a while. Best wishes to all those waiting. We’ll see you when the lights come back on.

– Rosemary

Here We Go Again

As much as we hated to take a break from this space and all our blogging buddies we really did need to. We have had a very hard couple of months. You can probably all relate when we say, “You know those seasons in life where it seems that every single thing you lay your hand to breaks into a million pieces, the shards fly in your eyes and then days later as you finally attempt to clean it all up guys in hazmat suits rush in and inform you that the pieces are radio-active and you’ve been contaminated.” Well, we’ve been having one of those seasons. Everything that could possibly go wrong has.

We just needed to put everything that wasn’t completely necessary on hold and pull focus. We needed to slow down and give everything we had to getting into a better place. But here we are, thanks to the support of our friends and family, and God’s unending love so we’re happy to be back at the old blog: typing away into cyberspace. Please allow us to thank all of you who left encouraging comments and sent us kind emails and messages. We truly do appreciate our internet stranger-friends. So many of you have become dear to us even though we don’t officially know you!
We’re glad to be back. We missed you guys.
– Rosemary and Brian

Another Top Ten

Unless, you’ve been living under a rock you have surely noticed that a very real buzz word lately is “volunteerism”. Our new President has taken great opportunity to remind us that we all need to be doing our part to care for our communities – locally and globally. I think we can all agree that doing more to serve the world around us can only be a good thing. If you consider yourself a person in need then doing your part can only mean it will come back around to you. How Wonderful! So in the interest of more “non-adoption related distractions” that can help us kill time, feel happier and do a little good – allow me to compose another list. My “Top Ten” possibilities for volunteering. Several of these are related to families and kids in need which should be important to everyone touched by adoption!

CCI – Canine Companions for Independence. Brian and I spent almost two years training a labrador retriever to become a companion to the disabled. We had been married for less than a year when this opportunity came into our lives and I can honestly say that it is one of the most amazing efforts we have ever put forth. It was Extremely Difficult to raise a puppy from 8 weeks old and then give him away but I can also tell you that IT WAS WORTH IT! We still get notes and cards from the family who received our dog as a companion to their quadriplegic son. This is a great way to help kids understand giving and gratefulness and we intend to raise another dog for the organization when our kids are old enough to participate.
Suitcases For Kids – When I think about this organization I cry. That’s all there is to it. These people are begging for your old, broken, new, and lightly used carrying devices of any kind. Why? Because a lot of foster kids in America don’t even have a suitcase to move their clothes in when they are shuffled from one home to another. Good grief. Please donate!
The Orphan Foundation of America – is an amazing organization started by an adult foster child who has achieved success and now reaches back to help others. This organization has developed an entire support system for teenagers who are aging out of the system and have no one to help them. How much help did you or your kids need at 18? They have a very cool project where you can send a handmade red scarf in with a care package and they will make sure all their kids get a “love box” at Valentines Day. So for all my fellow knitters out there – sign up!
Certified Wildlife Rehabilitator – If you love animals and are terrified by the way our environmental destruction is ruining their world then this is for you. You can become certified to help wildlife in need. What this means is that when someone finds a baby squirrel to be nursed back to life or a deer grazing in the city because their habitat has disappeared a professional will bring this animal to you and you will know how to care for it. Requirements are different in all states and certification is updated every two years. I think people who do this are the cat’s meow!
Read This to Me – This is an amazing organization that connects volunteers with people in need from everywhere in the USA. The whole thing takes place over the phone and you can do it from the ease of your own home and wearing pj’s. They only ask for a few hours a week and a working phone and internet connection. This is literally the easiest volunteer work I’ve ever heard of.
Global Servants – This is the organization I have worked and volunteered with for many years. They run a fantastic girl’s rescue home in Chiang Rai, Thailand. They offer a beautiful child sponsorship program, team trips to the home and other opportunities to be involved. They also have a book for sale called “House of Grace: A Girl’s World” which is a fantastic view book centering around a day in the life of a child at our group home. Through the donation of an amazing sponsor, Sonnie Mayer, they are able to make 100% of the proceeds from the purchase of this book go back to the home. Plus it has tons of darling pics of Thai kids!!
Gardening for Urban Youth – Programs like this help urban, endangered and plain ol’ city kids to understand the food they eat, our environmental responsibilities and the pleasure in living and working with purpose. These programs are available in almost every area. The one I have linked is simply a sample from one region to see what it might entail but, if your are interested, please see what is available in your home town. This is a great way to spend time with a child in need and teach a much needed skill to the next generation!
WellMOM – I truly believe in the preservation of the original family. I think this is a goal most adoptive parents share. Adoption should only be considered as a last resort in cases of life threatening poverty, mental illness, addiction, neglect or abuse. As future adoptive parents, Brian and I consider it our duty to actively campaign on the behalf of single moms, teenage parents and other families in need of support. With more help and love, less children and first parents will need to experience adoption loss and adoptive parents will have less fear of inadvertently being involved in an unethical adoption. Please consider helping in your region! This link is a sample opportunity only.
Guardian ad Litem – The opportunity to become a trained volunteer on behalf of scared children who need to attend court is truly an honor. If you get involved in a guardian ad litem program you will be helping children to understand how the court system works and why they are there. You are given the opportunity to help children find safety and support. This is a sample link but if you are interested please find out how to be a part of this program in your state.
Ronald McDonald House – Because not everyone has a healthy child. It’s just that simple.
If you still aren’t inspired to think of what you can do (and commit to it) then please enjoy this video!

MySpace Celebrity and Katalyst present The Presidential Pledge

Real Family

What is a real family? Like most people, I don’t like the expression “real parents” because it is so disrespectful to the entire adoption process. If I am the “real” mom then that implies that our child’s first mom is in some way less authentic. On the other hand, if the biological parents are the “real” parents then the assumption is made that adoptive parents are fake.

The very nature of adoption guarantees that our children have two very real, very authentic sets of parents. They may also have multiple siblings from multiple unions and I can’t begin to count how many possible grandparent sets they may have if divorce is involved. Why do any of these people need to be the “real” ones? Why can’t they all just be who they are and bring their own offering to the banquet? I have two siblings. I have never once thought of one of them as the “real” sibling. Why should our child be forced to create an emotional ruling about which of his dads is the “real” one? Is it just me or does that seem like not only an impossible task but also an incredibly banal waste of time?
My friend Jessica over at her fantastic adoption blog recently said, “Forever family” seems redundant. All family is forever. All children may not live forever with their biological families, but Baby G’s birth parents are forever his birth parents. The adoption does not and cannot change that.” I really loved her expression of this idea! Why do we get so uptight about these monikers and work so hard to create phraseology that will make our families sound… better? Why isn’t the truth enough? Some people think that sincerity is confusing and scary in adoptive families. I guess I think that is the nature of almost all truths. We have to face up to that before we can heal though.
So what the heck are we going to tell our kids??? Well, Brian and I wonder about that a lot but I guess we’ll just tell them the truth in the plainest possible terms as nearly as we understand it. I suppose I might say something like this:
“I am your adoptive mother. That makes me your mom completely. She is your biological mother. That makes her your mom fully. You have two mothers. That is a good thing but I am sure on some days it will seem very difficult. Why don’t you tell me how that makes you feel?”

– Rosemary

Shop Like A Pro!

In one week we are going house-hunting in VA. and in slightly more than 2 months we are moving. This is all very exciting! Who doesn’t love the thrill of moving to a new town and discovering fun new shops and restaurants? The uncertainty of finding fresh places to get involved and meeting new people! OK – lots of people don’t like it but I’m not one of them. I’m almost always good for the road. The life unlived and all that stuff…
However, you may be asking yourself “What does that have to do with shopping?”. Well, the deal was that I would restrain myself and not buy a bunch of stuff for our child which we would then only have to box up and move cross country. Needless to say it was Brian’s idea because I would have loaded every last rattle and bib into a covered wagon and defended it from Indian raids if need be just so I could start shopping now.
Anyway, poor old Brian is about to be in some serious trouble because I have been doing research for almost 18 months now and as soon as that moving van pulls out of the driveway I will consider myself to have a a sealed, signed and stamped license to Baby Shop. It’s sad to see a man buried alive by his own words like this. ;-0
I am a savvy shopper though and I love nothing better than a SALE! The trick though is finding what you want, from the stores you want before it’s all gone. Well, about a year ago, my dear friend Michaela sent me the coolest little invention ever and just in case all of my fellow baby shoppers were not yet aware I thought I would share the glory of:
SHOP IT TO ME
Shop It To Me is a “sale searcher sight” that allows you to choose the stores you frequent most! They also allow you to change your stores as often as you want. So for instance, I have been receiving sale updates on Women’s Fashion for the past 6 months because of Brian’s heartbreaking moratorium on baby shopping but as soon as we get moved I will broaden my updates to include baby stores. Then after we get our referral I can go even further and tell it to update me when “little girls” or “little boys” items are on sale.
When you get your “shop it to me salemail” updates they will show you pictures of the sale item, tell you the store, it’s original price and sale price and give you a link to get more info or buy online if you prefer. I got the most fabulous pair of in-season green corduroys for $15 just because this service alerted me that they were going on a crazy 1 day sale. I tell you it’s genius! I can’t wait to see what they do to all that ridiculously overpriced kids wear. Brian is hoping against hope they can do BIG things!
Happy shopping!
– Rosemary

Learning Thai

Even though this is officially “our” adoption blog most of you will have noticed that Rosemary does almost all the writing. My contribution here is mostly as a copy-editor. I’m not really a creative writing kind of guy but our adoption is very important to me and I think about it a lot.

One thing I feel more confident about, and that I’m trying to do more frequently, is blogging about Thai language and culture in as much as we know (but we’re learning more every day). It’s tremendously important to us that we become conversant in the language and culture of our children’s birth country. This not only gives them as strong a sense of their Thai heritage as two farang can offer, but lets them know that it’s not just them – it’s us. We are a Thai-American family. Not in the traditional sense, certainly, but I think in a very real way nonetheless.

We’ve both been to Thailand before – Rosemary many more times than me – and picked up some tourist Thai. Rosemary has a big leg up on me there too, but we’ve really set into a schedule of studying Thai now. One of my more ambitious goals is to become literate in Thai, too. For those of you who don’t know, Thai script looks like this:

So, that seems pretty impossible at first. But I’m actually making some progress and can sound out the yellow and red sign above (I don’t know what it means, but I can pronounce it – I think). Since many of our friends in the Thai adoption community are also trying to learn some amount of our children’s birth language, I thought I’d share some resources I’ve found recently:

– A great cheap source for the popular Rosetta Stone software here – $85 for Level 1 (it’s only available in level 1 for Thai, but that’s still about 60% off!)

-Strangely, Northern Illinois University has an excellent Thai program. They have many of their curricula on their website. This site includes a link to Maani, which is a traditional Thai grade school reader that has been made into an online interactive tool to learn to read Thai. I highly recommend it!

-Thai-language.com is another great resource with lots of materials for beginners through advanced learners and has a great interactive speaking Thai-English dictionary.

-Spokenthai.com has lots of good recorded dialogues and stories to attune your ear to the tones and practice your pronunciation.

-For those of you who, like me, need a textbook sometimes to explain some grammar or pronunciation rules, there is an excellent one online here.

-And finally, practice makes perfect! Flashcards for learning the alphabet and vocabulary can be found here and here. I’ve also found a great tracing sheet for practicing your Thai letters – if anyone is that into learning Thai (I tend to get obsessive), please email me and I can send them to you.

I hope these websites will be helpful for some of you who are as interested as I am in this project of learning Thai. It’s a great way to pass the time while you’re waiting for a referral or TA! I’d like it if we could share educational resources among ourselves as Thai adoptive families. If anyone has more great websites, please email them to me, and I’ll share them here. Who knows – I’ve even been thinking of making a little “Thai I learned this week” post. Good luck!

– Brian

A little shopping

I had a wonderful day yesterday!  Not too much to do in the office so I took a long lunchy afternoon with my dear friend Brittany and then we went for a little window shopping.  I ended up having very unexpected luck with my shopping.  We stopped by Bank Street Books where I found Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes by Mem Fox which I have been dying to get.  It is quite possibly the cutest book ever written and the illustrations are pure gold!

Then I found a big surprise!  A whole display of “Families of the World” learning dvd’s.  These are 30 minute, fun, educational films designed for children to teach them how different family cultures and therefore life for kids is around the world.  Usually if places carry them at all, they just have dominant cultures like China, Russia and India but Bank Street Books had all of them which included THAILAND!  So of course, I snatched it up while I could.  It’s a wonderful little film that I think will come in handy at a certain age level.  I could imagine it being a great thing to take to school for that 1st-3rd grade level.  

A funny thing happened though that I thought only you guys would truly appreciate.  One of the last shops we went into was this cute, little, eclectic place that has a bit of everything including a small children’s nook in the back.  Slowly, Britt and I made our way around the store and finally ended up there.  I immediately noticed a basket of some of the CUTEST soft dolls I’ve ever seen.  What made them even more irresistible was that they were racially diverse and actually looked authentic!!  The Asian doll looked like a cuddly little Asian baby and not like some upsetting, altered, white baby.  So I was just about to make a mad dash for the cash register, and buy up all the dolls they had for me and my fellow waiting moms (we’re all in this together)!  When Brittany says, “Hey babe, these dollies are ummm… anatomically correct.”  Sure enough.  Every single one of them was either a very real boy or a very real girl.  Apparently the makers of these dolls can re-create more than just racial features correctly.  So I ended up not buying the gorgeous Asian baby-doll.  It isn’t that I have a problem with anatomically correct toys.  I mean I understand they serve a purpose (but honestly it was kind of creepy).  More than that though, I wasn’t sure what kind of message it would send if the only doll in our nursery who had a wee-wee was Asian…  I’m pretty sure that’s the kind of thing our kid would definitely end up telling his therapist later on down the road!   😉

 – Rosemary

Chocolate

This week marks the US film release of Chocolate, the long awaited new movie from Thai director Prachya Pinkaew, of Ong Bak fame.  Actress Yanin “Jeeja” Wismitanant plays an an autistic girl with amazing powers of muscle memory.  Jeeja has trained in Muay Thai for years, used no body double and did all her own stunts for this film.  They are calling her the female Tony Jaa.  

I don’t know much about autism but some critiques of the film have not appreciated the manner in which the condition is handled in this movie.  The New York Times says, “It’s true that Zen (Jija Yanin Vismitananda), born to a humble Thai woman and a Japanese gangster, exhibits behaviors that suggest autism, or at least some poorly acted simulation of it: abnormal shyness, primitive syntax, rocking back and forth, an extreme aversion to houseflies.”

In the same New York Times article mentioned above commenter WBBolton from Austin, TX. writes in to say, “The person who reviewed this movie has no appreciation for the genre, so don’t be put off by his comments. I’ve had this movie in a Malaysian release for months…. Jeeja Yanin is a real-life taekwando expert, and she has the moves.”


We haven’t seen it yet but we’re hoping to catch it at an indie theater somewhere here in town. However, I do like two things about this movie from the get-go.  #1 – It defies all that gender profiling that would tell us boys get in fights and girls go shopping.  #2 – It portrays a female lead who is not using her body to seduce men and achieve power.  I have become especially sensitive to the latter lately.  I am so tired of seeing Asian women portrayed by the media as if the entire race exists to serve as nothing other than oversexed supermodels or prostitutes.  Now I do realize that martial arts expert is also a racist stereotype that the Asian community would like to get away from as well but this is genre film produced in Thailand for the Thai community.  I think it’s ok for someone in a martial arts film to be a martial arts expert.  It’s when the Asian girl in any given media characterization is always a martial arts expert that the illusion grows weary.
That being said, “I hope you guys enjoy a little Thai Chocolate this Valentines season!”
Happy Valentines Day!
 – Rosemary

Second Place

“Up A Road Slowly” by Irene Hunt is one of my favorite books.  It is the beautifully told story of a family’s struggle to become a safe haven for one another in the face of death, abandonment, and adoption.  Or at least that’s how the story speaks to me.  Julie, the main character, experiences the death of her mother when she is five-years-old.  Her father then chooses to veritably abandon her claiming he isn’t up to the difficult task of raising a child.  To add insult to injury, he keeps her big sister.  Little Julie is then given to her maiden school teacher aunt.  

Why am I sharing all this?  One of my favorite ideals of adoptive families (and really all healthy families) springs from this book.  There is a section of dialogue in which teenage Julie is crying because she feels she loves her older sister more than the sister loves her.  An elderly gentleman says, “It happens the world over – we love ourselves more than we do the one we say we love.  We all want to be number one; we have to be number one or nothing!  We can’t see that we could make ourselves loved and needed in the number two or three or four spot.  No sir, we’ve got to be number one and if we can’t make it we’ll rip and tear at the loved one until we’ve ruined every smidgin of love that was ever there.”
I love that quote because in all families, but especially in adoptive families, there are just so many players.  So many important people who are called by so many names: first families, adoptive families, biological parents, unbiological parents, foster parents.  If every one of them is in a desperate race to be number one somebody is going to get trampled.  Chances are it could be the children.  I will not be my child’s only mother and I do not have to be number one.  I can be number two or even three (if she turns out to be a real daddy’s girl).  Kids are not property and I do not own my child’s affections just because I am her mother.  In fact, I’ll settle happily for a top ten ranking!  When I imagine the honor of being in my child’s ‘Top Ten Most Loved People On Earth’  list I think, “How could that not be blessing enough?”
 – Rosemary
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