Health and Insurance

This posting is mostly for posterity’s sake. I can’t imagine that I will ever forget the first time I saw my son’s face but I want to record every second to make sure that it never fades away. I want to make sure I write it all down so Button can read it later. I also want to share it with friends who are still waiting. For two years, I’ve been reading about people’s referrals and being so swept away in the story but then I would just want to call them up and beg them to tell me how it FELT! I know there are lots of other PAP’s who feel this way too. Jess, these details are especially for you! 😉

I very much had an expectation that we would receive a picture of a cute little baby and I would look at it and think “Oh my goodness, isn’t he sweet?” just the same way I do when I see pictures of my friend’s kids. I thought that loving him would be part of a relationship that would slowly evolve through attachment and bonding. Of course, I was 100% committed to loving him, which really is the biggest part of love, but I had absolutely no expectations of feeling anything magically maternal.

Instead, the moment Brian and I opened that email from Holt and saw his first tiny picture I felt as if everything that I had always been was being melted away and a mommy monster was growing in its place. There was a moment of total silence, as if I were in a soundproof chamber, and then I remembered Brian was sitting next to me and I looked over and saw he was crying and then I realized I was too. When I first saw Button’s picture my immediate reaction was “Oh, of course, it’s you.” He seemed so familiar to my soul. Like a soldier home from war and maybe they’ve changed over the years and maybe you have too but you would know them anywhere because you’ve loved them for so very long.

We had two sets of pictures: one from his 3 month check up and one from his 6 month check up. After we spent ages gloating over his gorgeous 3 month pictures we opened the next email and looked at Button, age 6 months. We both cried some more. It was impossible to see with our own eyes that our baby had grown so much. He was already so big and obviously could multiply and knew the periodic table of elements by now and didn’t even need parents any more because he would be leaving for college any day. After we managed to calm down though we realized that he was even more beautiful at 6 months than he was at 3 months and that we were the luckiest people on earth.

We took his paperwork to a pediatrician for review, because we had been urged to do so, but we knew from the moment we saw his face that he was our son. We didn’t need anyone to tell us what the adoption would or would not mean for us before we would move forward with it. We knew that adopting Button would mean that we were bringing our son home to live with us. Plain and simple.

People say a lot of things about adoption. Some of them are wise. Some of them are foolish. This much I know is true: I have been lost to love from the second I saw my son’s face and no other experience could possibly have been more powerful.

–Rosemary

What? You mean you want the complete story chock full of details? Well, if you insist…

So for those of you who are Holt families on the list to adopt from Thailand you will remember that when June referrals were finally announced (in early July) Marissa emailed all of us and said, “The first 4 families on the list received a baby and a 5th child was also placed.” We were blessed to be matched with the fifth child!! It could not possibly have come at a crazier time for us either. It was the week we moved into our new house and we were surrounded by boxes, painting rooms and trying to get Brian ready to start a new job. We were still number 13 on the list and had been told to expect March 2010 but hope for December 2009. So yes, this was the best, most unexpected, overwhelming surprise EVER!!

If you are a PAP or if you follow adoption this may seem confusing or frustrating but we were the first people on the waiting list whose paperwork stated they were open to receiving a child from a case like this. Button has a bit of an unusual social history and some unknowns which we are not going to discuss because that is his private life history and his to share when he wants with whom he wants. We are so very blessed to have this little guy in our life and we thank God for bringing him to us! We hope we can be the parents he deserves in every way.

Button is the most beautiful little boy in the history of the world and we are completely in love with him. We received 5 pictures from his 3 month checkup and 5 from his 6 month. He is gorgeous, healthy and his update said his fine and gross motor skills were developing on track and that he is a happy and responsive baby. What more could a mother want?

What? You’re wondering why we didn’t tell everyone on planet earth right away? Oh yes, well that’s because both our families live very far away and we really wanted to share it with them beforehand. So we told Brian’s mom and grandparents first. Finally, my Mom’s 60th birthday party was this past Saturday so we framed and wrapped a picture of Button as one of her presents. Both she and my dad started crying!! It was worth it for the surprise factor but, I’ll tell you, I nearly died trying to keep this a secret for 3 weeks. I have been avoidng everyone’s phone calls because I was so afraid I would give it away! So now that the cats out of the bag for all the family we can tell everyone else our best news ever: We have a son.

Miracles do happen,
–Rosemary

How do waiting parents keep their sanity? I am a waiting parent but my sanity is questionable so I’m not sure that I am fully qualified to answer that question. However, I think we would all pretty much say the same thing: “Stay Busy!” Sadly though we can’t be busy all the time. What about those nights when you wake up at two am? Or those lost moments when your thoughts run away with you as you drive to work? How often have you caught yourself staring off into space thinking of your future child while the pot boiled over?

These emotions, that I am working so hard to keep at bay, are a curious mixture of deep anxiety and the most palpable, tender excitement I’ve ever felt. It’s completely overwhelming and the feeling (whatever it’s officially called down at the psych ward) grows every day. I frequently have to take a deep breath and remind myself to quit thinking about Button, make dinner, and return calls.

So here is how I’m staying sane lately. When I catch myself lost in my Button thoughts I snap back to reality by giving myself the opportunity to commit to one prayer for worry and one prayer for joy. Then I leave it alone and go back to the life I need to be living right now. This afternoon I caught myself gazing out the window when I should have been working so I prayed this worry prayer: “Dear Lord, please cover my Button with your protection and keep him from fear.” Then I prayed for this blessing: “Dear Lord, please let Button have a wonderful time playing outside today.” Then I went back to work.

What are the prayers and wishes you’re sending out for your little one so far away? Do you have a worry that drives you crazy? How are you/did you stay sane during this wait?
BTW – If you’re one of my friendly neighborhood lurkers, take this opportunity to come into the sunshine and introduce yourself!

–Rosemary

Margie over at Third Mom introduced me to this fabulous new time waster: Adoption Voices. Some of you may know about it but it was new to me. It’s a very fun sight kind of like facebook but its all adoption talk all the time. I pretty much have to tear myself away to face adult responsibility. Anyway, I was pleased to find that there is actually a Thailand group to join, but of course, there aren’t many members yet so pop on over and check it out this weekend.

More importantly though, Margie has started an “Adoptive Parents for Open Records” group which is growing rapidly but we need all the concerned moms and dads we can get so please take the time to join the cause. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: If we don’t teach our kids to stand up for themselves then who will? I think this is one of my most fundamental jobs as a mother – to enable my children to represent themselves well in difficult situations. What could be more difficult for anyone than the moment in time when a Judge denies them access to life saving medical information? I hope my children never have to face that issue but if they do I hope that our lives can act as a template for the fight they are going to have to muster forth. Brian and I are working so hard to bring Button home; he will certainly be worth the effort of a little civil action once he’s here. I’m sure a lot of ya’ll feel the same way about your small people!!

I hear a lot of parents saying, “Well, I adopted internationally so the fight for open records doesn’t really concern our family.” It certainly does. We now live in a Global Village and when one civilization makes a choice for or against human rights it resonates loudly in other communities. American adoption policies have changed (for better and worse) adoption ideologies around the world over and over again. We have the power to begin a shift in common thought about the shame surrounding adoption and unwed pregnancy.

More importantly though, closed records feed this out-moded and wrong sense of inferiority that permeates some communities ideas about adoptees and adoptive families. Having power and knowledge about their own life history and the same basic human right to medical help as other people will go a long way to empowering adoptees in the general social consciousness of America. Please take the time to join the cause and read a little bit about what can be done in your state. It’s easy and effective to write a letter to your senator! I know you’re all shocked to discover that I am a letter writer. 😉

–Rosemary

This morning I was thinking about our Button and wondering who he is. What sort of little boy is he? What amazing genetic traits is he carrying passed, from a long line of ancestors, into his person through his biological parents? When we meet him will we find that his temperament is similar to Brian or me? Or will we find that he is a brand new personality that our family has never had before? Is he an athlete (that would be something new for sure) or is he an artist? I can hardly wait to find out! I love the surprise inherit in this part of the adoption process. If we were expecting a biological child, no matter how hard we tried, we probably wouldn’t be able to resist putting some kind of expectation on this child we made. We might expect it to be as smart as Brian or as funny as me or just gosh-darned gorgeous because my grandmother was a real knock-out back in her day. We all know we’re not supposed to do that to kids but the impulse is so strong!

I’m truly excited about the opportunity that adoption affords us to simply see our child as a whole person growing stronger every day. No labels no expectations. I don’t know who our Button is meant to be but whoever that person is I believe in him. I believe in all his dreams, all his passions and all his struggles because they are his to own. He doesn’t have to be similar or dissimilar to anyone I have ever known in order to be understood. He is an individual in a million tiny ways and he is my son. I can’t wait to get to know him.

–Rosemary

After yesterday’s diatribe many of you may be more than a little anxious to even look at this post but I hope I’ve planned it well. I am actually aware that I can be a little…er, um…”vocal” when I get upset so I thought that today I might share an excerpt from someone else on the subject of “adoption as ministry”. She feels much the same way as I do (and many of you out there) and she has a bit of a unique perspective. She also has a very gentle voice and sweet communication that touches me. As you have all realized by now, I’m more than a bit of a scrapper so I appreciate people like my wonderful husband, and this sweet lady, who have the gift of grace, grace, unending grace. I am working on it, but after all, somebody has to fight city hall. ;-0

I don’t know Marla but I was introduced to her blog Coffee Shop Journal through some very dear mutual friends. The following is shared (with permission) from a post she wrote last week:

“My family is a divine huddle that God pulled together. Except for my husband, David, every one of us is adopted. I’m adopted, my two daughters were adopted at two days old, and all the glorious extras that populate our home and our lives feel adopted!

I remember back when the girls were smaller I’d once in a while run into a well-meaning but odd soul who would say something like “It’s such a wonderful ministry you are doing, giving those little girls a home.” I’m a polite person, so I’d usually say something in return such as “Well they sure bring sunshine to our house.” Occasionally I’d be having a bad day and comment “They’re actually going back on the market…interested?” We’d laugh, and I’d go on my way. But the comment never made any sense to me. Kylie and Jillian aren’t a ministry, they are my daughters! Once you are family, it’s just all about the relationship, as it is in any family.

The other day I realized that all relationships are really like that. Once you open your heart and your life to a person, it doesn’t feel like ministry any more. It feels like friendship. And friendship is what carries you over the rough patches of life. Friendship is what says, “OK, you messed up yet again but I love you anyway. So what’s next?” I think sometimes I’m guilty of segregating the relationships in my life: I’ll adopt you into my life, but you over there, you’re a ministry. Jeremy, my favorite barista at the coffee shop where I like to hang out, is moving on to another part off the state soon. I’m really, really sad to lose that nearly daily interaction with someone who’s so passionate for the kingdom. David and I will be sad to see our friend leave. In his place comes a new barista, one I haven’t met. Jeremy says we’ll love him. I realized that over this past year Jeremy has moved from being “a guy in the community” to being our friend. Now it’s time to open up that door again.

Life isn’t about networking and contacts and ministry. It’s about adoption.”

Peace to all,

— Rosemary

As this title suggests, today I’m going to talk about something that really irks me. People who talk about the children they are adopting, are going to adopt in the future, or have adopted as if they are performing a charitable work. And when I say it irritates me, trust me, I’m being polite because it royally jellies my doughnut! Whenever Brian and I run into these people, and it inevitably happens all too often, he knows that as soon as we escape their presence I’m going to rant and rave for ages. In case I haven’t mentioned it lately – Brian is a saint for putting up with my good Irish temper.

What in the world causes people to think that adoption is an acceptable form of “ministry”? The only reason to adopt a child is because the adult has a burning desire to parent a child, or that specific child, if the case is known to them. Every child deserves to have parents who are overjoyed with the opportunity to have them as a member of the family. That statement should go doubly for adopted kids who have already lost so much. The idea of any of them being received out of some sense of “christian duty” like a Victorian novel or a bad scene from Orphan Train is just heartbreaking. Not to mention tacky. It’s so incredibly tacky when I hear these people talking about their child – a human being – as if he or she were an after school project. Have they no shame??

I recently got into an email “discussion” with a gentleman, and adoptive parent, who is running a website where he is urging people to “consider doing more than just child sponsorship – instead see if you can’t find room in your life for the adoption of a needy orphan.” This is all the sort of rhetoric that truly bothers me. If people aren’t thrilled by the idea of parenting (again or for the first time) then it is heinous to manipulate them into feeling some level of guilt over not adopting a child. That is not the way a family should be formed!! Those are not the parents these kids should be receiving. There are lots of fantastic programs that we can all get involved in to help alleviate child and family suffering around the globe and that is a much better way to contribute unless you truly want to parent adoptively.

So yea, it makes me mad when I see people who have been blessed to have a child in their home and do the hard work of parenting and yet they seem incapable of realizing that this opportunity is stripped away from people everyday for no other reason than poverty, governmental upheaval or poor health. We are all so lucky to be adoptive parents with some sort of resources and some level of good health (or else we wouldn’t have been approved) in this beautifully stable country. Adopting a child doesn’t make us good people it makes us all lucky as hell.

–Rosemary

Just a quick note to say, “To whom it may concern, thank you very much.”
I don’t know how these things are handled or who may be responsible but a while ago I noticed we were getting a bit of site traffic from the Adoptive Families website. As time passed we noticed that traffic growing so I finally made an effort to check it out (I’m not very net-savvy as you can tell). Anyway, it would appear that we are now listed as one of the Adoptive Families Blogs We Love in the Asia section on their very fun and comprehensive blogroll.

So if you nominated us then – “Thanks!” It made me feel warm and fuzzy. 😉
– Rosemary

OK, this post is going to be brief because I am writing it illegally from the lobby of a very nice hotel with a business center. I am not staying at this very nice hotel. I am staying a rather dodgy hotel with no business center. The desk attendant at this hotel keeps eyeing me suspiciously so I’m going to make it fast.

I am finally in Va. However, I am not in our house. I also do not have any of our possesions or my husband. They will arrive this afternoon in a moving van from New York along with our heavily medicated cat. I am leaving to pick up my wonderful helpful parents at the airport in a few minutes. We are so grateful that they are staying for a few days to help us get all moved in!

So where have I been for the past 2 weeks? Well, mostly consumed with packing our house in NYC but also just unavailable via internet because we got our cable wifi turned off too early and now it would appear rather unluckily that it is the only utility we are having trouble getting turned on here in VA so we will continue to be without internet for several more days. Yes, I am in serious withdrawals!! And can you even believe this happened to me during June referrals? Girls, if you get a referral please leave me a comment and tell me because at least that will show up on my blackberry and then I will know!! Terri, that means you!

I also have to tell you guys this last piece of news because I swear to God you’re never going to believe it. You want to know the definition of irony? I had to go to Florida to pick up the car we bought and do sme work at our main office. Then my best friend drove me to VA from there because I have epilepsy and am not allowed to drive long distances. As soon, as we pulled into the hotel here in VA she suffered a massive grand mal seizure and we spent the first 12 hours we were here in the emergency room. It has been a very trying and stressful week! Please pray for my best friend’s health, diagnosis and medical care! She is in my thoughts at all times right now.

Love to all,
Roses

When we first started the adoption we thought that we should focus our research on adoption related stuff until we got our referral and then after the referral came in we would move on and do more of that “What to Expect in Your First Year” type of reading. We had already done a fair amount of research before we even started our home study but in the many months since then we’ve been able to read a lot of books, blogs and articles on attachment and bonding, primal wound theory, being an interracial family, and developing a healthy relationship with our kid’s biological families. As you can probably all tell by now, I’m a type A, super-organized, virgo, little miss bossy-butt. One of my donors once said, “Rosemary, you really need to have a baby or you will become a super monster of efficiency.” I took that as a compliment.

Well, the joke is on me because Button is already completely ignoring my schedules and letting me know that life will be different as a parent. I woke up this morning literally in a cold sweat convinced that I knew nothing about how to raise a child. How were we even going to keep him alive? Bri had already left for work and I wandered into the kitchen, opened the fridge and stared at the contents thinking, “I have no idea which of these food items are appropriate to feed a toddler! Deviled eggs? Pasta salad? Pickled asparagus?” It was as if I had completely forgotten that I might consider buying food especially for a toddler. Then I sort of stumbled around the house, still in my pj’s with crazy bed head, observing our half-packed home full of boxes and bubble wrap and thought, “This place is a death trap! I don’t know the first thing about baby-proofing. Why did I ever think I knew anything? I need to hire a professional!”

So now, months before we are expecting a referral and well before I had planned on it, we are proudly expecting a big shipment of parenting, baby-proofing, nutrition, and toddler wisdom books from Amazon. Apparently the Mommy-me does not work on a sensible schedule as well as the Rosemary-me does. Hmmmm…. Score Card: Button-1 Mommy-0

– Rosemary