Health and Insurance

I have really enjoyed reading The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine. One thing I especially liked is that this book gives actual scripts for dialogue with children of all ages. They even provide sample daily schedules for engendering “felt safety”. The Connected Child has a direct conversational tone that focuses on parents developing empathy for the child so kids can develop trust. Here is an excerpt from page 5 that I found quite moving:
“We’d like you to visualize a scene: imagine you raised your healthy, biological child in a loving home until he was four. Then somebody kidnapped him and you didn’t know if he was dead or alive for three long years. During those years your baby boy was starved and abused. When he is finally, mercifully, returned to you at the age of seven, he is more like a wild and frightened animal than the curious and playful little boy you knew. Grateful to have him back and sensitive to his suffering, you focus on doing whatever he needs to heal from his trauma. You don’t take him to the amusement park on his first day home, or bundle him off to day care within a week. You know that he needs weeks and months of daily nurturing and retraining to comfort, guide, and heal him from the harmful experience.”

Another thing that was extremely helpful to me was their section on discipline for the adopted child. This is such a complicated topic for any family but especially for the adoptive family and almost none of us AP’s were raised experiencing discipline that truly works for the newly adopted child. So how are we supposed to figure it out? The Connected Child is very firm on their stance that unsafe and selfish behavior cannot be tolerated but they truly do give exact details about providing loving, empathetic discipline for the particular set of circumstances involving the adoptive family.

What I wish the book had done differently:
Like much adoption literature, it focused a lot on bringing home the older child. Of course, that info is much needed for many families but since we are adopting a toddler I wish the authors had more clearly identified what issues families were likely to face in adopting from various age groups. The book also spends a lot of time dealing with the effects of institutionalization. Again, with our specific case that is not as pertinent.

I would recommend this book to any adoptive family. The examples are clear and simple to relate to and it’s a very easy and encouraging read. The most important thing I think this book has to offer though is a constant reminder to see things from your child’s perspective. The book spends a lot of time outlining the emotional and mental processes adoptees go through and the fears they experience.

–Rosemary

So I am in an interesting place. It’s sort of a panicky, angsty, overwrought place. Yea, I said interesting, not pleasant. We just moved to a new town where we don’t know a single soul. I desperately miss our friends and families right now. I am so very much wishing I could share this time with them. And by “share” I mean send up a flare for some freakin’ help!

We are hoping against hope that we will be picking Button up in 5 months so I have a ferocious need to prepare for the baby right now. I know you can all understand that what this has created is one crazy lady-friend. Brian keeps saying, in this very calm and patient voice, “But we have plenty of time to worry about baby stuff later.” Total guy statement, right? I have no idea how long it takes to get a nursery ready but the room we plan on using is currently painted this hideous color of olive green, from the last tenant, and is basically acting as a storage closet. Plus, we need to toddler proof (which everyone says is much harder than baby proofing) and we can’t toddler proof a house where we haven’t even finished hanging pictures yet.

Then we have to get all the stuff for Button and, apparently, Button requires a huge amount of stuff. Just the amount of all new, semi-important choices we have to make is exhausting. What kind of car seat? What kind of formula? What kind of diapers? What if I buy the bad, evil, plastic bottles that leach toxins? Just walking into the Babies R’ Us practically requires a graduate degree in consumer reporting!

Oh yea, I had a teeny-tiny break down at the Babies R’ Us and we had to leave. Don’t worry, I didn’t attack any innocent employees, I just started to cry in the playpen aisle. It is my firm belief that the store is designed to overwhelm and I am sure that many dozens of women have had similar reactions. Well, that’s what I’m telling myself so don’t burst my bubble, ok? And all of that foolishness doesn’t even begin to touch on the really important choices we need to make like finding a pediatrician and researching vaccines. How did the human race ever survive through the dark ages? Right, we almost didn’t…

I just feel like my head is about to explode with all the lists of everything that has to be done and I wish that someone would call in the cavalry. What? You mean to say that an army of 1950’s housewives will not be coming to my aid? I have to do it myself! This is what parenting is all about?? Ummm yea, is there someone else I can speak to?

–Rosemary

I’ve been thinking about Button’s other parents a lot lately. Knowing who our son is and knowing, at least a little bit, about his original family is a weighty thing. I now know the specific story of a woman and a child on the other side of the world. I know some of the details and some of them are lost to me. I roll the tale over and over again in my mind like a pebble in my mouth. A flat, smooth, truth that is completely indigestible.

Her son is also my son. She and I have more in common than any of my dearest friends. My heart keeps referring to their story like a compass. What direction is it pointing me in? How should I best serve my son to be true to the hopes his first mother had for him? I wish I could ask her. I wish I could tell her that I would honor her intentions. We have no way of knowing what she wants for Button. All I can assume is that, like any mother, she wants her son to be loved, encouraged, supported and given direction.

I can also safely assume that like any mom she wants to be recognized as his mother. Without her, humanity in general and, our family specifically would not have Button’s precious face. She brought my son into this world and he is exactly who he is because of her DNA. What a blessed opportunity for me to be able to recognize her as my son’s other mother!

Our hopes for an open adoption have not changed although we have been told not to expect that. However, should we be given the opportunity to have contact with her I think the most important thing I would want to say is: “You are always remembered in our home. You are honored and loved as a member of our family. Button knows he has two mothers: me and you.”

–Rosemary

I know that none of you will be surprised to learn that I did a fair amount of theater in high school and college. After all, it involved dressing up in costumes, talking and staying up late and those are three of my favorite things so I was absolutely thrilled to get involved. One problem. I get terrible stage fright. Fortunately, for my short lived acting career, it was the manageable kind of stomach-churning, palm-sweating stage fright that goes away after a few minutes. No, really, I swear, I was a pretty good little actress…

So the other day I was thinking about Button and finally getting to meet him and becoming a mom and I started to feel well— odd. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but it wasn’t exactly the most delightful feeling in the world. What could possibly be wrong with me? I am completely in love with this little boy. Nobody has ever been more excited about becoming a mother. And yet, the feeling persisted.

Then I recognized it. All the symptoms were the same. STAGE FRIGHT.

So after a week of crabby attitudes and high strung nerves, I decided I couldn’t live with constant stage fright for 5 more months. I pushed all the noise out of my psychic space and focused on the problem. I finally found it and I was none too pleased with myself. “What if I’m not good at it? What if my kid always has jam stains around their mouth and mis-matched socks? What if I’m the mom who can’t remember spirit day and is late for carpool?” Oh my goodness, was it possible that my parenting angst could be boiled down to high school, nerdy girl, not-good-enough issues? The horror!!

So I reminded my incredibly subdued ego that good parenting is really only contingent on loving and valuing Button for exactly who he is. Then I walked into the bathroom took a long look at myself in the mirror and said, “Grow up, Rosemary, you are about to be a mom.” and I smiled because it was the best advice I’d ever given myself.

–Rosemary

I’ve always a been a reader. When we move somewhere new I get a library card almost as quickly as I get our power turned on. When a new challenge or joy comes into our life I spend hours on the internet surfing from one article to another. I’ve always believed that if the problem can be researched we can find some way of making it better. Of course, this doctrine has been pretty beat up over the years, but I cling to my little hope with dogged determination.

With our simultaneous leap into both the adoption world and the parenting world it seems like there is just an overwhelming amount of material to study. We need to learn how to play attachment and bonding games and we need to learn how to mix formula and heat a bottle. Sometimes the most obvious stuff feels the most overwhelming because everyone expects you to know how to do it. The biography of the two women who wrote The Joy of Cooking is called Stand Facing The Stove, which I think is one of the greatest titles of all time. Sometimes when I think about actually being responsible for the care and feeding of a child I wish some kindly British nanny would come along and begin with instructions exactly that basic: “Rosemary, stand facing the baby.”

Well, all my parenting books are in and the house is mostly unpacked so, I am doing a lot of reading these days. There are some really good books that I’m enjoying and I think I’m learning a lot. I know book reviews are considered kind of lame but I always really enjoy it when other people do them so, on Wednesdays, I’m going to start walking you guys through my giant stack of books. Maybe it will help you decide which ones you want to invest in and, hopefully, it will help keep me on my reading schedule.

I just finished reading Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott and found it to be a quirky, beautiful, little book that really inspired me. It is the record of the first year of her son’s life. It’s really a story of her intense love for a child she never expected to have. She is a single mother with a million struggles to face and in spite of it all her enjoyment of this little boy is really a beautiful thing to behold. Her motherhood story (and her fantastic writing) encouraged me and I hope you’ll find some cheer in it too. It also provides a great parenting book break from instructional tombs like What to Expect The Toddler Years. Fair warning though: she uses rough language throughout the book and expresses political ideas that everyone may not appreciate. If you can’t agree to disagree with people then this may not be the book for you.

–Rosemary

This is my favorite thing that Button owns so far. His Gai Gai bought it for him and I think it is the most adorable (and practical) little guy ever. You can find them at Pottery Barn Kids and they’re available in two sizes. Button received the travel sleep sheep, which we are hoping will help soothe him while we are in Thailand. They are suppossed to be wonder workers.

“This cuddly companion features four soothing sounds that will gently help your baby fall asleep. These include mother’s heartbeat, spring showers, ocean surf and whale songs. Comes with a removable sound box with automatic shut-off timer, plus volume and on/off controls. A hook and tab on the back let you securely attach it to the outside of your baby’s crib. 100% polyester fiberfill with plush polyester shell. Proven safe and effective, and winner of an iParenting Media Award.” -PBK website

–Rosemary

From the day we started this adoption I kept telling myself we just have to get through to the referral. We just have to make it that far. I worried this was a bad strategy because I kept hearing people who had already completed their adoptions saying, “It gets so much harder once you have their picture and you know what and who you’re missing.” All the same though, I just tried to keep going through the seemingly endless wait for a referral by thinking once we get there it will all be so much better.

Well here we are.

It feels different than I thought it would feel. I’ve had a hard time blogging recently because I absolutely feel as if I’ve been struck dumb with the weight of emotions I’ve been carrying around. Like I said earlier, I didn’t expect to feel like this. I knew I would love Button I just thought that this desperate, mind-sucking, all encompassing love would wait, at least, until I had met him. That only seems fair! Instead, here I am incapable of doing anything to care for him and it’s pretty much all I want to do. Yes, it’s fair to say I did not know the post-referral wait would feel like this.

However, for all of you who are starting to get depressed, there is good news!

Getting a referral has definitely made me feel like there is actually a light at the end of the never-ending adoption tunnel. I wake up every day and definitely experience that, “Hell yeah, we are almost out of here!” taste of victory. The referral has also given me a real sense of validation as a mother. I used to feel so awkward when people would ask us if we were starting a family. And they always ask, don’t they? Because I knew that if I said, “Well, we’re adopting…” then it was going to get some huge reaction, either positive or negative, and a bunch of questions that I couldn’t answer. Now though when people ask if we have kids I just head it all off at the pass. “Why yes we do. We’re adopting a beautiful, little 11-month-old boy from Thailand. His name is XXXXXXX. Would you like to see a picture?” I do not flounder. I am awesomely in control of the situation. I am a Mommy.

Having a referral has also brought me the ability to plan. Adoption is all about NOT being in control. Ever. Over anything. For me, it’s been a very hard lesson in surrender but hopefully I’m a better person for it. However, I am so pleased to know the sex and age of my child. To have a basic idea of a “due date”. To be able to think about nursery ideas and winter coats and wooden airplanes. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to finally plan for our baby and this stage of the adoption has gifted me that along with the crushing love and overwhelming worry.

If you are still waiting, then don’t be afraid to count down until referral. It’s a whole new world on this side. If you are on my time-line, then good Lord, call me up and tell me what you’re packing because I seem to be losing my mind these days!

–Rosemary

I am always fascinated when the media chooses to portray adoptive families. They almost never get it right. On the one hand there is the deification of adoption and that’s creepy to me because we’re just regular families with slightly different problems. On the other hand, there are the books and movies that want to act as if all adoptions result in emotionally barren moms and serial killer kids. It irritates me to say the least. Are you with me? I know you are.

So a while back Brian and I went to see “Away We Go” starring John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph. We like indy flicks and we both love Dave Eggers, who wrote the screenplay, so we figured it would be a winner. And it really did have some great stuff. Until adoption came into it.

————————————–SPOILER ALERT—————————————-

So if you’ve continued reading you obviously have willingly ignored my spoiler alert warning and will not leave me a nasty comment about giving away part of the movie. So the basic plot of “Away We Go” is that Burt and Verona are expecting a baby, experiencing a quarter life crisis and feeling disenfranchised from their families, so they travel all over the country visiting friends in search of a community for their imminent offspring.

They arrive to visit some old college friends and it immediately becomes obvious that they are adoptive parents. They had 4 kids between the ages of roughly 15 and 4 of all different races. When we meet these children they are watching “The Sound of Music” and Adoptive Mom is making them turn it off about 1/2 way through the movie. She then explains to Burt and Verona “We don’t let our kids watch the scary parts. There is just too much sadness in the world for that. They’ll have time to learn how awful life is later.” [wistful look to stage right] Ummm, weird, it’s a musical for crying out loud.

The next time we see Adoptive Parents the four adults are out at a bar. There is some kind of amateur singing contest in the background. Verona is about 7 months pregnant and telling them all how healthy she is: no problems, no fatigue, feels great. Adoptive Mom is knocking back drinks. Suddenly she leaps on stage and takes the microphone. She begins to sing a sad song and do a sultry dance while removing her clothes. Umm, super weird. Her husband says, “She had another miscarriage Tuesday. I mean she loves those kids like they’re her own but she just wanted to have our baby so badly.”

I was so mad I nearly threw up. Sure, a lot of us have had incredible sadness before making the choice to form adoptive families, but this was such an unfair representation of unresolved psychosis and “second place” adopted kids. Later in the movie Burt and Verona are discussing their incredible blessings (of which there are many) and Burt says, “How does it work? Why do we get this (touches her full womb) and Adoptive Mom has to suffer so much?” That line really made me angry. The Adoptive Parents portrayed in that movie were wealthy, attractive people living in a huge, beautiful home raising 4 gorgeous kids. They had every blessing and the entire film just discounted all of that because, of course, as everyone knows adopted kids just aren’t as good as biological kids. They aren’t a blessing at all – only biological kids count as blessings.

I’m tired of watching my child, and his status in our immediate and extended family, be portrayed as “less than” or even worse as “nothing” by the media.

–Rosemary