Health and Insurance

I have struggled over whether or not to write this post but here I am. We decided to do this blog both as a record for Button and to actively join in the adoption community. In light of both of those goals we feel that this is important but I am going to work hard to maintain our son’s privacy and not share too much.

You may have noticed that my regular blogging schedule has been interrupted in the past 2 weeks. That was partially due to a terrible work schedule but mostly due to a real emotional crisis that Brian and I were facing. In fact, I don’t think I have ever been so frightened, so helpless, or so utterly without recourse.

Somehow we received Button’s 9 month update extremely early. It came in long before expected and before most of our fellow PAP’s updates arrived. At first we were thrilled to hear we had an update! We’ve been waiting months for new pictures of our son!! I couldn’t wait to pass them around. But then several things were… of concern. Without reporting anything that could damage Button’s complete privacy, we became VERY WORRIED that he was showing signs of a condition we knew he could easily have.

Everyone at Holt has really been amazing! We talked to Marissa several times and she has been nothing but kind and helpful. Working with our pediatrician, we sent a (short) list of simple, easily translatable questions to HSF to gain more information about our son’s developmental status and they promptly responded with answers that have reassured us greatly. We are waiting for more info to come in soon, however, we feel much better now and we are expecting our God to continue to do great things for Button as He already has.

I want to say this though: Nothing could or would stop us from bringing our son home. Button is our child and that relationship is not contingent on his being in good health or being a genius or behaving well. It is simply a truth that cannot be erased. Button is our son whatever sort of little person he may be.

Thank you so much for your prayers, support, and all your positive thoughts. We are bringing our healthy, smart, brave little boy home by Christmas. We refuse to believe anything else.

–Rosemary

So I’m sure that by now you’re all sick of hearing about Button’s birthday but your first child only has their first birthday once so cut us some slack! All our family is very far away and we still don’t really know many people here so, unfortunately, a party wasn’t really in the cards.

So how did the proudest parents in the world celebrate Button’s birthday proper? Build-a-Bear, of course! We purchased a very cute stuffed owl. R was convinced that a stuffed owl was much cooler than a plain old bear, and she managed to convince me, as she usually does. R felt that the owl looked ridiculous in any of the available outfits so she just “accessorized” him for quite some time. I have to admit though, it did turn out pretty cute. We put the little voice chips in his paws (wings?) – one sings happy birthday, and the other is our recorded voices saying, “We love you, XXXXXXX”. If any of you haven’t been suckered into Build-A-Bear yet then allow me to explain that you create your bear (owls?) birth certificate when you are done. When we filled out the certificate for Button’s owl we named him “Nok” which we believe to mean “bird” in Thai. Cute, huh? We’ll save his Owl to give him after he gets home with us but we hope it will be a sweet memento of his first birthday for him to keep.

After Build-a-Bear(Owl), we tried a new Thai restaurant in town, since none of the other ones we’ve been to have really impressed us. In an auspicious turn this one was excellent! Great food and nice ambiance, with very friendly Thai staff (not all of the Thai restaurants in small-town Virginia have Thai waiters or even cooks) who we talked to for a long time.

All in all, it was a good day. We hope our baby boy had a good day, too. We were very grateful on that day for his foster family, who have given him a loving family home to spend so much of his first year in and to celebrate his first birthday with.

–Brian

As you know from our recent posts, last week was our little boy’s first birthday. While it was heartbreaking for us to be away from him on that special day, we were very excited to have sent him a birthday package, which he hopefully got sometime around his birthday. Our agency, Holt, has recently tightened their restrictions on packages that PAP’s are allowed to send over to their waiting children. We’re basically only allowed to send something every two months, and it must be flat, noiseless, and fit into a gallon Ziploc bag.

So, of course, my brilliant wife has found a way to stuff two gallon freezer bags in the past two months, packing them to the absolute breaking point while still leaving them relatively flat and noiseless. The birthday package we sent off about a month ago, which was less than two months after our initial package, but they were very generous to us because it was his birthday and we wanted him to have something from us. The way the mail works to Thailand, it hopefully got there around his birthday and he had some presents from Mom and Dad. We did manage to squeeze in a disposable camera, which hopefully will have some good pictures on it. Rosemary’s favorite, though, were these little shoes which she said he NEEDED because he will be walking soon:

We can’t wait to meet our son!

–Brian

Dear Button,

Today is your first birthday!! Congratulations on being such a big boy! We are so proud of you and we love you so much. We wish, more than anything we have ever wished for, that we had been able to be with you on this very special day but we celebrated your life and your other parent’s lives and we sent all our thoughts and prayers to you. Since you can’t be with us for this birthday we are glad that you are getting to spend it with your wonderful foster parents who love you so very very much. We are also happy to know that, since we are still apart, at least you were able to spend your first birthday in beautiful Thailand!

We want you to know that we think of you every day. Really every hour. But you have never been more in our thoughts and hearts than on your birthday. What a celebration!! The day that your beautiful mother brought you into the world. We are so grateful to have you as our son. Our first-born son. No parents have ever been luckier.

Happy birthday, Button!
Love,
Daddy and Mommy

A rare appearance from Brian, for all the husbands/dads out there:

This week’s book review is of Michael Lewis’s very funny book Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood. Michael is a novelist, freelance writer, and father of three children. This book starts with his account of their move to France, when their oldest daughter was a baby, and moves through the phases of their lives with each section focusing on one of the three children. His unique voice makes each of the stories – most of which are well-worn fatherhood anecdotes – fresh and amusing. One of my favorite passages, from the France episode:
“Gymboree, I am told, is an American company. But it could not have found more fertile soil abroad in which to plant itself, importing, as it does, the love of order into a chaotic marketplace. … it appears to be a carefully crafted, scientifically based institute for infant development. Just beneath the science, however, is an infant rendition of Lord of the Flies.”

Through all of the humor, though – and this is definitely a humorous book – is evidence of his deep love for his children, and his contentment and happiness with the role of father. He describes growing into the position, learning to bond with his kids and how to do “fatherly” things. As a side note, it was nice to see someone from outside of the adoption world refer to the process of bonding and attachment. It’s comforting, every once in a while, to dispel the notion that all biological families just instantly “click” while we have to work at it.

There is a section of the book where he discusses his son’s being sick in the hospital as a very young infant and my wife may claim that I cried while reading this section. However, I will deny this like a Soviet press secretary. The fact remains, though, that it is a deeply affecting portrait of fatherhood. It gave me ammunition for the road ahead and lots to look forward to.

— Brian

We spent a lovely day on Sunday with some old friends in Virginia Beach who have a gorgeous little 16-month-old daughter. Of course, we are hoping to pick Button up when he is exactly that age so we were watching her pretty closely to see what kind of stuff she was doing. Mostly she was being extremely cute and wrapping Brian around her little finger so thank goodness our first child is a son or it would just be a lost cause!

As we drove home that night we were listening to some good music, watching the sun set and just enjoying the ride. Then Brian asked me what I was thinking about I said, “Button.” Instantly Bri said, “He is waking up right now.” and I knew that he had been thinking of our son too.

–Rosemary

Sometimes when I think of everything a person looses and gains in adoption I am overloaded by the immensity of it all. It is such a huge amount of information to process. Any person who has to walk down the adoptive path to self is carrying a much heavier load than those of us from the typical biological family. How do they answer one question in light of the next? Because as some of us, who have tried to think our way through the tangle of broken family, know there is always a next question. Wouldn’t it be great to get to the FINAL ANSWER? To find an ultimate exposition on original family dissolution and the creation of adoption!

I don’t know why this has happened to Button. I don’t know why some children are born with the great luck of having biological parents who are fully capable of parenting them and blessed with all the resources for the difficult journey ahead. I know that it is not because those children are more deserving or because those mothers are instinctively more maternal. I do know that my son was not able to stay with his first family and after 7 months in foster care he was assigned to our case.

I also know that at some point in his life this will cause him deep pain. It is not debatable. I refuse to even listen to the people who say things like, “Some kids aren’t really bothered by the adoption thing.” or “He’ll know you’re his REAL parents and that’s all he needs to know.” Hogwash! Perhaps Button will be the kind of kid who doesn’t want to talk about his feelings a lot. Maybe he will even work through to a deep and abiding peace regarding his adoption at an early age but I refuse to deny the truth that I know. At some point in his life “being adopted” is going to hurt and confuse him terribly.

I wish I could save him from it but I can’t. I can’t even find his peace for him. He has to work through all of this on his own. But I will be there with whatever support he needs whether it’s tissues, or screaming matches, or reunion research, or bail money (please God no) or engagement ring shopping. I honestly can’t begin to imagine all the experiences or people that might help him as he surfs through this emotional reality that is his to own. But I’m not going to tell him that one thing or another can’t be of value to him. He gets to decide what he needs in order to become whole and accept this complex legacy: two sets of parents, one genetic heritage one adoptive heritage.

–Rosemary

Well, I have fallen down on the job this week with my blogging but we’ve been busy. Plus one of my old college roommates and her delightful husband were in town before heading out to their new post in Hawaii so we really wanted to enjoy our time with them!

That being said, I am (ever so slightly) overdue on a book review. I’m making it really easy on myself this week though. I didn’t exactly have to read this one. But it is a book so it counts. Honest it does!! I bought this a couple of weeks ago and I still haven’t stopped liking it. It has plenty of useful purposes for parents of every age but especially for the slightly freaked out new mom. Allow me to introduce you to Your Family Health Organizer by Jodie Pappas.

This trusty little binder is fantastic for adoptive parents since many of us are welcoming children with medical needs, or have medical needs ourselves, and cataloging all those documents can be a nightmare. The binder has different colored tabs and pocket folders for two parents and three children but you can order more sections and page refills. Each kid’s section includes: medication records, medical appointment records, medication instruction forms for school/daycare/camp, growth charts, food allergy diary, and a child’s identification profile for fingerprints, hair sample and photograph.

It’s a great little size and will be easy to carry with us when we travel or leave on the counter for babysitters or grandma. It has a large section in each person’s file for notes and it will be no problem for me to pop it in my diaper bag and take it along to all those pediatrician and early intervention visits in order to organize Button’s medical files. So if you are facing a lot of health issues or are easily overwhelmed by the complicated but IMPORTANT process of organizing your family’s medical paperwork please allow me to highly recommend this little book.

–Rosemary